Weight Gain & June

Do you ever just feel like you need a good cry?  You would have thought that because of the happenings of the past year that I've had, that I would be crying alot. But honestly, I cried the first two weeks, I cried when we left UT - our beautiful home and neighborhood, eternal friends, and the Oquirrh Mountain Temple, and since that time I have cried some, but I probably haven't let it all go and poured my heart out to myself, the walls, the mountains, and more importantly to my Heavenly Father. Not so much for me, but because of my children. But now, I feel like I need to. I just feel like I need a good cry. 

I have gained 17 lbs. through this ordeal. I lost 25 lbs. last year from February -June 2009, and now I've gained 17 lbs. back since November 2009! I am so mad at myself! I hate the way that I feel. I did this to myself by worrying so much and drinking Diet Coke and eating junk everday...everyday!  I know what I need to do but I am so tired and have so much to do all the time that I just don't know how to get back on the wagon!

I think about June a lot. Today I am especially thinking about June. Anytime I have to deal with negotiations of my divorce, I worry. I am not looking forward to June. I remember thinking in January that I hope these months before June go slowly, but here we are in April and June is going to be here before I know it. June is when my kids leave to go stay with their dad in Utah. It's actually three weeks since the first week Kolby has Scout Camp and Kasey has Youth Conference. Then the third week of June Kasey will go to Catalina Island to Scuba Dive with the Scouts, so when Brad brings him back to AZ so he can leave with his Scout Troop, I will be able to see the boys, and again, when he picks Kasey back up, I'll be able to see the boys. I guess anyway. I would like to find out. And I'm assuming he'll go back up to Utah for that last week. So the second week of June and the fourth week of June are going to be torture for me. I honestly don't know how I will be able to handle it. When I took the kids to Utah the end of December it was so hard and I was only away from them for a couple of days. I cried like a baby the two nights that we were apart.  I feel like I won't be able to handle June. I look back at all that I have been able to get through this past year and think that if I can get through this, then I can handle June, but it's so different. June means being without my children everyday. They are my life. I miss them already. Yeah, I miss my children even when I have my children. Does that give you a clue as to how much I love them and how they are my whole life? 

So today I will think about the magnetics that are on my refrigerator and the messages they share and apply them to my life:

I NEED TO BE STRONG AND OF A GOOD COURAGE

and...

NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP

I NEED TO ALWAYS PRAY

WHICH WILL BRING ME PEACE.

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

I love all these daily reminders. I need them in my life. I will need them even more as June approaches, and I'll have to endure that time. I can't wait until June passes and I have my boys back.