I'm Back and It's My Year to Dance in the Rain

I haven't written for nearly a year, but I think I'm ready now. Looking back...I was so excited for 2009. 2008 had been a hard year and not a rainbow year. Every year presents its ups and downs, but 2008 was a big one with a job loss and a big move to Utah. It was so hard on the kids because Brady was going to be a senior and who wants to move their senior year of high school???  But we did it and I fell in love with my new home and my new neighborhood. And honestly, it only took about a week for me to figure out that this move was good for "me." I was able to leave the rut I had been in for so long and all the things and hurtful memories that haunted me. So our family settled right in and enjoyed the fall in Utah and the holidays. Then the new year and I was really looking forward to it, but it actaully started out pretty sad for me due to something that my husband said to me...something that a person shouldn't say to someone they are suppose to love. It had to do with us working together, rather, how we wouldn't be working together in a business Brad was trying to start up. I was shocked because for heaven sakes I had found all of Brad's jobs and knew how valuable I was, but then I think I knew the real reason.  Brad needed something just for himself. He needed to be able accomplish something and have something all his own, since he had been fired from every job he had. I even encouraged him to start his own business so we wouldn't have to worry about being unemployed.  I wrote a little of the feelings I was having about this before, but then changed it as I was never able to post my true feelings about anything, so I posted this last March, and towards the end,  I explained how I was struggling with something and had been praying, and I knew that my prayers had been answered. I knew that Heavenly Father did know me and loved me and that he was also trying to save our family. We received a calling in the stake to work together on the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Celebration. I knew this was Heavenly Father trying to teach Brad that we were to work together in life as married partners. I could never tell Brad that I knew that was why we received that calling, but I knew why. However, even after those answered prayers, right in the middle of the Temple Celebration, and another answered prayer, and Heavenly Father pulling for our family and trying to protect it by giving wonderful opportunities to serve in the stake, Brad succumbed to a life of sin and threw everything away. Since this is our family journal, and a safe place with only dear friends who will be reading, and who already know the situation, I can be truthful and say that Brad commited adultery and was excommunicated.  Now, I didn't know about this until a month later. He never told our leaders or myself the truth. I never even knew why we were getting a divorce since we didn't even talk about it. But as far as history goes, he's done this so many times throughout our marriage...having inappropritate relationships, but this was it. He told me he wanted a divorce on May 26th, and right before he said those words, the Spirit said to me, "he's going to ask you for a divorce." He said it and I calmly said okay. If was after 10:00 PM and I remember leaving the house and taking a walk and Brad and I were texting back and forth for a long time. I don't even remember coming home. I was numb and the next morning a very dear friend, my angel friend, came over and I cried and she stayed with me and listened. She was there for me everday since. For the next two weeks my Bishop and Stake President tried to help and found out that Brad admitted that he hadn't prayed about it because he knew what the answer would be, so we kept praying for a softening of his heart and for him to do what's right, but he never did. After those two weeks - needing to get through the Temple Celebration and Brady's Graduation, things progressively got out of hand with Brad and his behaviors, and after the Bishop and I encouraged him to wait until the kids school year ended, Brad quickly gathered the kids on the night of June 13th and said, "long before any of you were ever born, your mother and I haven't gotten along, so we are getting a divorce." That's how he did it. Those weeks of having the knowledge that we were divorcing, and keeping it to myself and staying calm, and the weeks after, up until the kids and I moved back to AZ on July 15th, began my year to learn how to dance in the rain. “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning how to dance in the rain.”  

Believe me, the month of June 2009 was full of rainy days. I used to think that Heavenly Father was crying for my family. I'm sure he was. I think wow, I made it through. We all made it through. I'm glad that I was able to be be calm and even leave the house that first night and not engage with Brad like he wanted to do. If that would have happened then the kids would have woken up to a nightmare, and it was coming anyway, but I tried very hard to keep our days as normal as possible for the kids even though I was aching inside for them and how our life was going to change. It's been a storm. Last year and even currently, I am learning to value and even love the storm. I believe and know with conviction, that there is beauty in every moment and every “storm.” Sometimes you just have to look a little harder than you do during those rare moments that are filled with wonder and clearly visible happiness….those “rainbow moments.” As I have come to find the importance and true beauty of the storm, I have learned that it would honestly be a shame to look past the rain, past the storms, and past the darkness and hope for the rainbow at the end. For in doing so, not only will your heart sink if at the end of the storm you are unable to see the rainbow you had so hoped for, but you will also miss out on the overwhelming beauty of the storm itself.

There are those who, once a rainbow is spotted, are able to look back and THEN see how beautiful the storm was. But in hindsight, much of the beauty of the storm is lost, our memories fade and details are forgotten. Wouldn’t it be better, if we could see the beauty of the storm while we are right in the thick of it, WHILE we are experiencing it, so that not a moment of it will ever be forgotten? In comparison, when we are able to get through very difficult times in our lives and feel peace when we have overcome them, we can often look back and see that these times were wonderful periods of growth and that the lessons we learned as a result, are invaluable. But still, think of that period of time in the MIDST of the trials (which I prefer to refer to as “opportunities for growth”) that were filled with tears and anger and hurt and sadness and doubt. Think of the time and energy that was wasted while we were so consumed with such dark and negative feelings. Is it possible to feel otherwise? I know it is. I know, for a fact, without a single solitary doubt in my mind, that it IS possible to feel peace and happiness in the midst of the storm…before the rainbow even appears…if, in fact, it does. And if it doesn’t appear, it won’t matter, because once you learn to find peace and happiness when times are difficult, you don’t live each day of your life waiting for a better day. TODAY is the better day. It always is. And if your rainbow DOES appear, I think you will find that the beauty of it, although spectacular, is not as breathtaking as the one inside of you…one that you have created before the storm even passed.  

I am grateful for the gift of a warrior spirit, one that gets up time and time and time again to keep going. I can’t even describe to you to the overwhelming blessing it is, to finally be able to feel peace and happiness in the midst of the storm. Yes, I've had my ups and downs, but I believe I have paid very close attention to the lessons I am being taught, and have without a doubt been led by the spirit and been blessed tremendously. Promises given through Priesthood blessings have come to pass. Angels have been about me and my children. I know I have been guided every step of the way. Counsel offered has opened my mind and I am amazed at myself for making it through now and even more amazed that I lasted through it for 19+ years of marriage. It is that warrior spirit of not giving up that I have and NOTHING can get in the way of my family's happiness and the peace I feel in my heart. Nothing. If I can find peace and happiness in the dark of the storm, then darkness can never take that away from me..and the light will only MAGNIFY it.

These past several months, I have learned one of the the most valuable lessons of my life. I have learned to stop waiting around for calm and peace and happiness to find me. Stop trying to fix things that are out of my control.  Instead, I have learned that all of these things are in my control and instead of waiting and waiting, I am now creating - creating peace and calm and happiness...RIGHT NOW. No more waiting. This year, and every year to follow, is my year to DANCE IN THE RAIN!!!

Stand In The Rain

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

Stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain