Angel Friends and a Tribute

This has been a work in progress since August. I have been wanting to host an "Angel" dinner or breakfast, and invite all the "Angels" that have been in my life and have helped me. I wanted all of these amazing women to meet each other. What an amazing sight that would be to have all these "Angels" in the same room. And I wanted to pay tribute to each of them for what they have done for me. And I'm sure they would all be good friends, for we all have a connection. I also have a gift to give each of them. But since so much time has gone by, I felt that I should just give each of them a print out of my thoughts and gratitude for them, along with their gift, for a Christmas gift...

 Last summer near the beginning of our life being turned upside down, I was given two Priesthood Blessings. One was by a dear friend, whose wife I went to and shared my heartbreak with. This is Hiroko. She graciously listened and cried right along with me. To this day I tear up whenever I think about her and her husband Troy, because they were there for me when I needed them. She was always there and became dear to me during the time we lived in UT. She was the last person at our home, still cleaning, when we pulled away to drive to AZ. I remember after I circled the neighborhood and the Temple several times, and couldn't make myself leave, I drove back to the house and ran to her. She was still there serving me, making sure our home was clean, and standing at my door with open arms for one last hug...still crying. It was so hard to leave that house, that neighborhood, and my friend Hiroko. She has the kindest heart. I miss her so much.

When the kids and I went back to UT over winter break we were able to stay with her family. They made us feel very comfortable. We tried to stay out of their way as much as possible so we wouldn't disturb their family life, but I'm afraid that maybe it caused some distance between us because things haven't felt right between us since. And even a year later I am sad about it.

One thing I've noticed about myself is that I feel deeply, but I'm afraid I don't consistently express it, and work hard on reaching out and staying busy with friends, and doing things for myself.  I held back when we visited UT in December, and I didn't do anything about visiting in June (except that I did try to see if Brinkley and I could stay with her during the times we visited, but that didn't work out so I felt like I must have ruined something). I'm hoping I'm wrong. But one thing is for sure, I miss my friend and I love her deeply.

Troy and Hiroko Jolley - friends who gave me the blessing and who cried right along with me during that first week, even up until we moved back to AZ. I started out by saying that her husband had given me a Priesthood Blessing and some time later Bishop Sanford had also given me a Blessing. I will never forget those righteous men, at different times, blessing me, and while doing so, they cried during the blessing. They both expressed the same thing, that "because of the fault of another, I should not blame myself. " They also said that "angels would be about me and my children."  And that is so true. I have felt that promise over and over this past year. I can hardly contain myself as I write this. I have felt this for so long and have felt bad that I haven't taken the time to express my feelings, but like I said, I feel deeply, but don't share it like I should because I'm either trying to keep up with all I have to do, or I'm in a daze and don't want to do anything, or I'm afraid that I'll break down as I'm doing right now. But it's important for me to say that I have "angels" in these friends and Priesthood leaders that have been in my life.

I know those "angels" were truly sent even before all of this happened because I felt Heavenly Father and the Savior's love and presence in my life a couple of months earlier when I was really searching and needing to feel their love. And then it came... "angels" in the form of a calling to serve with the Temple Celebration and all those people who touched my life. I knew Heavenly Father had heard my prayers. The first of those "angels" with the amazing Temple Celebration calling was Kathy Bess, who was there for me throughout the Celebration, and the "morning after," and those early months that followed, she was there everyday with encouraging and inspiring words. When we moved back to UT, she was there encouraging me through emails and phone calls. She always knew just what I needed to hear and I believe she was inspired by Heavenly Father many times. I know she was an "Angel" sent to me. I really miss Kathy and think of her all the time. I love and appreciate her so much.

 Bishop Sanford and his Family who I adore and who never left my side and helped in so many, many ways. He cried with me and helped take care of me and my family when I needed it the most. He knelt on the floor and hugged Kasey after he received the news and was crying. He was worried about Kasey, just as I was. I know he felt our pain and felt helpless, and I will be forever grateful to him and Becky and their children that I adore so much for eternity. They continue to be there for us when we've returned to UT to visit. I love their smiles and hugs. We are invited in their home where they feed us, and share family night, and keep us laughing with their fun life, and love us just the same. To me, they are the perfect example of the way marriage and family should be.  My Stake President, John McCorquindale who called and emailed me throughout. I love these people. My visiting teacher Cindi Graham, and her family who served us by helping us pack, and helping with new school shoes and socks for the kids, and has been there all along the way. Tera and Hiroko who also helped out with "you know what." Good friends who helped load our moving truck and clean our house. Adam, our landlord, was another "angel" sent our way so we could move into this beautiful house in the first place, so ultimately all the special angels that came my way, and all the experiences I had, could prepare me for what was going to happen.

I know with all my heart that Heavenly Father tried to help save our family. He provided opportunities for service and growth in our stake, that could greatly bless us as individuals and our family. I took advantage of this. These opportunities which placed "angels" in my path, that wouldn't have been there if I didn't have these experiences, helped me with the knowledge I had been lacking of HIS love and guidance in my life, but it was provided and I knew for a certainty that HE was there for me, and I know that helped me for what was to come. I truly don't know where I would be right now if I didn't have the opportunities I did while we lived in UT. HE knew I needed that. If we would have stayed in AZ, where it hurt so much to be with the funk I was in, and the memories, and the lack of progression, and the same old feelings...and I wasn't given a newness of life that I received in UT, I don't know how I would be now. HE knows everything. HE knew what I needed. HE knew Brady needed the Hill Cumorah experience, and that's why I know he was chosen to serve there. I believe that's what helped him. HE placed "angels" in his life in the form of Brother and Sister Krebs. They and the other leaders, and the work crew boys saved my boy, and that experience has never left him, and he was able to serve again this past summer, where I believe he was able to be an angel in other people's lives. The only thing I can think of that helped Brinkley, Kasey, Kolby and Braxley, was maybe the experience of moving in the first place and how hard that was for them. It was hard on everyone and I think it taught everyone that we can do hard things. Of course what happened to them was so much more than what a move to another state did to them, but they did learn to stick together and that they could get through it. I know they are still trying to get through it...everyday.

Another "Angel" who has been there all along is Carla. She's been my one true constant best friend for so many years. She is right front in center to me. She is my family, and family to my children. I love her so much, and because my love runs so deep for her, I remember I couldn't tell her what was going on right away. I was hoping it wasn't true and that something would change because I was so scared for her to know, and for her to be disappointed in me. It was so hard telling her, but then again, she's known my life...not everything, because again, I didn't tell her of all the heartbreak, but she knew enough of my broken heart before, and she certainly knows everything now. I couldn't bear to not have her in my life. It was so hard to move to UT and be away from her, and now she may move to UT, and it breaks my heart and I wonder how I'll survive without her. I miss her everyday and she lives right here! Carla has always been there for me to listen, talk, give good sound advice, listen, listen, and listen. She just gets me. She doesn't abandon me. She's so in tune and knows when I am hurting, and when I need her, and she calls at the right time. She has never failed me. She is a light to me. She's always sees the good. She knows me and my life. She doesn't judge and I can feel safe with her. I am bawling right now because my love, respect, and admiration for her runs deep. She has the love of my whole heart. I love you Carla Pearl. You have been an "angel" sent just for me since 1985 and I thank you.

Another "Angel" is Dawn Trott-Keller who helped me tremendously with so much this past year. She was sent to me a few years ago on my birthday with a little box of chocolate truffles. What a surprise that was. Our relationship built slowly and became stronger right before I moved to UT and continued to strengthen while I was away. I believe she was put in my life to share her insight and experience in an area I had never known before...law. But I believe it was also more than that. She has blessed my family so much and the kids are so grateful to her too for the service and kindness she has shared with them. She has made them feel very special with her homemade birthday cakes and special gifts for Christmas. She and her family helped make it possible for us to live here and to get our house in order. I miss her alot. She's busy with her family and always doing fun and creative things. I don't reach out like I was trying to express earlier, but I know her life is full. I want to be a part of it though. I've never been very good and being busy with friends, going out and doing things for myself. Dawn has been a blessing in my life. I love her with my whole heart.

My Mom has been an "Angel" to me. She has truly been there for me throughout this process. I have really been able to count on her for good sound advice. She has cried with me, listened and encouraged. She understands what I have been going through. She has been a great support. I have also learned more about her and and what she has experienced in her own life. I am so grateful to her. I respect, admire and love her deeply. 

Rashell Jarvis has been an "Angel" and came into my life right when I needed her. Her experiences and insight have helped me so much. Her encouragement, honesty, and sweet care for me has helped me feel better about myself. When I have been beaten down, she has known just what to say to pick me back up. She is always so complimentary and points out the good and positive things I'm doing. I know that she is an "angel" sent to me at this time because we have been in the same ward for many years and our paths didn't cross all that much. Last fall we ended up in the same information meeting regarding finances and then a couple of days later I saw her at the car wash. We just hit it off and she said she felt there was a reason and purpose for our coming together and she wanted to be there for me. I appreciate her example and positive light that radiates through her. I just feel better after I have talked and been with Rashell, and love her with all my heart.

Another "Angel" who has been there for me to share a listening ear and a caring heart is Marilyn Farr. I have known Ernest and Marilyn for 19 years. We met when we first moved to UT after Brady was born. We have stayed in touch through the years and I just adore her. She is extremely healthy minded with great knowledge, and is always looking out for my well being. I love our long chats on the phone. Marilyn is a dear friend and I love her!

Pam Beaty is another "Angel." I have known Pam since Brady was in first grade. Our kids attended Franklin East together. We have always stayed close. She has been there for me with a listening ear, good advice, and always making me feel better. Pam is one of the most positive people I know. I have also loved the sharing of her son Dallin and Kasey when we swap for sleepovers. She has taken care of my Kasey, feeding him all his favorite foods, even when it's steak! They have been a second family for him for years, and has helped my family. Rob, Pam's husband, helped fix my car and only had me pay for the parts. He also invites Kasey to Suns games and is always looking out for him. Pam is a dear friend and strong example in my life. I love her with all my heart.

Russ and Pam Alston are "Angels", and Brady's second family in UT. Their son, Travis, who's serving a mission the same time Brady is, is one of Brady's best friends. They have also been a huge blessing in regards to being there for Brady to care for him and also for Brady's Mission. They are the most genuine caring friends, being an example just by being who they are. They have a great light about them and just bring a smile to my face. I love them.

There has also been so many other friends like the Handy's and many more. YM/YW leaders and scout leaders for my boys, caring home teachers and a wonderful Bishop. I have emplyers who have provided work for me so I can take care of my family - a blessing I am grateful for each and every day. I have a landlord who has been patient and hasn't made me feel stressed when the money hasn't been there on time. This landlord has been a real blessing. I have had help with my car from friends.

 It's stories like these that go on and on, and I know there are many more "Angels" that I haven't mentioned.

The blessings and the "angels" show up in so many ways. Those two Priesthood Blessings have sustained me all this time with all the promises. I have been led by the Holy Ghost in all things. I know that "Angels have been about me and my children." I know it. Messengers have been sent in many forms to help point the way and to bless our lives.

Greg Olsen said of his painting, "Often there are times in life when we go through difficult periods, times when we feel as though we’re wandering in the wilderness – seeking direction, solace, and answers. And often, during those trying times, if we allow ourselves, it is as though we receive a subtle signal in the form of some small wonder. It may be something as simple as turning on the radio and at that very moment, hearing the lyrics of just the right song, or opening the scriptures to a verse with poignant meaning, or even having a little songbird land nearby to cheer us up. These are some of the small things that have helped me along at such times, causing me to look heavenward, smile, and say a quiet, “Thank You!” During a time in my life in which I had an important decision to make, I was trying to sort out my thoughts while hiking. As I looked out over the horizon, I noticed that the billowing clouds resembled a figure that seemed to me to point the way that I should choose. And while I know they were only clouds, like an angelic messenger sent to one needing help along the way, they were just as beneficial as all the other small wonders that I’ve experienced when I needed them most. “Bless the Lord, O my soul…who maketh the clouds his chariot: who walketh upon the wings of the wind: who maketh his angels spirits…” (Psalms 104:1, 3-4)."

I say "Thank You" for being there and being my special "angel" friends. Some of you have been there from the very beginning, right there in the trenches, where it's dirty and sticky and hard. You haven't left my side. These quotes about friends describe exactly who you are...

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." ~Henri Nouwen

"A true friend unbosoms freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably." ~William Penn

"A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself." ~Frances Ward Weller

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

"The most sincere and true friend is already there doing it, when others are asking 'Is there anything I can do?'"

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." ~ Helen Keller

"But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

I have to also mention my Children, who have been "Angels" to me and who have literally saved me. I have always been a devoted mother and been there for my children. This past year has been no less, but it's been magnified to me what a blessing and privilege it is to be their Mom and to be here for them...always, and they have been here for me giving me strength and purpose. I know that Heavenly Father loves them and has sent "angels" to bless them. All of my children are my best friends. I have children who choose to live the commandments and make correct choices, even when they have witnessed another choosing a different path. They have stayed strong and true. They have loved and been the best kids and peacemakers they could be under the circumstances. I admire Brady's spiritual strength and how he reads the scriptures and studies good books. He even turned down the music on the radio as we were driving around the Temple one day. He didn't say anything. He just did it, and I noticed, and I smiled inside at the reverence and respect he gave the House of the Lord. And now he's a Missionary, serving the Lord. I have the smartest daughter who is able to see clearly and teaches me. I love and admire who Brinkley is. I love how unique she is. When I read what she writes on her blog or on facebook, I just have to smile at what's inside of her and who she really is. She is creative. She is insightful. She is strong. She is beautiful inside and out.  I admire Kasey's desire to make our home nice. I admire him fulfilling his Priesthood duties each week and not having to be remind him because he's always been responsible and he sets a good example for his younger brothers. I admire that he studies his scriptures and says his prayers, and looks up to Brady and wants to Serve a Mission just like him. I love that he's loving seminary and has been touched by the lessons taught. Kasey has a tender heart and feels deeply like me, which is why he hurts so much, and even when he's hurting, and it may hurt me, he always lets me know that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. I admire Kolby's desire to always do what's right and how he strives to work hard in everything he's involved in from school, scouts, sports and his natural musical talents. I appreciate his love and affection towards me. He's always making me feel special. Kolby is joy. I love Braxley's humor and am so grateful for him providing the laughter in our lives. Braxley is one of the smartest people I know. He thinks deeply and just gets things. He works hard in school and strives to be successful at everything he puts his mind to. I love our time together and our talks. These five special "angel children" save my life every single day.

Now for the Tribute to all the "Angels" who have been in my life and "about me and my children." I believe this is so applicable to my situation...

I know that you know about the oil spill that occurred in the gulf. There were some images shown on TV that are ingrained in my brain. It is why I think this is like an example to my situation.

Have you ever seen a bird that has been covered in oil from one of these spills? It is heart wrenching. There is a very specific process that these birds must go through to be cleansed and be able to fly again. They go through a series of baths with very tender soap, being handled very gently by caring hands. It is a lengthy process and sometimes it takes days to get this oil from the birds feathers and skin. If it is not done right and quickly these birds will die and many do.

I feel I am like one of these birds- through no fault of my own, I got myself stuck in a mess that I could not get out of on my own. I was covered in something I could not wash off on my own, and it took a toll on me for a very long time, and somedays it still creeps in.  I was not willing to give up, and at some point I ran into one of YOU - Angel Friends. You started my first bath- my first cleansing. You were able to take off one of those very hard layers to remove. Whether it was shame or the feeling of being alone- you took that first step and helped me move on and to help cleanse off another layer. This has gone on for some time. And you all stayed and continue to be that tender hand and soap to take off any layers that has continued to be thrown at me. I am not out of the spill yet- there are many more steps I will continue to go through- but I know you will be there.

I believe..."here are angels among us. Sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hours. To show us how to live, to teach us how to give. To guide us with a light of love."

“Friends are angels who lift us up when our wings forget how to fly.”

My gift to you may be small monetarily, but the meaning behind it means so much more. Thank You Angel Friends!

An "Angel" ornament that can be used all year to remind you what a special "Angel" you have been in my life, and a bar of soap signifying how you have helped to cleanse my soul.

I am eternally grateful.