Moving On and the Pouring out of Miracles

At the April General Conference Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave an AMAZING talk just like he ALWAYS does. There's this one point of his talk where he focused on "moving on" and "not dwelling on old issues and grievances." That talk and so many others during Conference made for an emotional weekend for me as my prayers were answered.

I feel that I need to document those prayers being answered and some amazing discoveries, inspiration, promptings from the Spirit, and literally being carried by my Heavenly Father.  It all began on Saturday, March 31st. But I believe it really began before that time, with Heavenly Father knowing the feelings of my heart and truly knowing me so well. You see, I am a worrier. I always have been. The closer we get to school being out, the more worried I become about my boys leaving for a month in the summer. I worry all school year. I hate being away from my children. I always have. I'm not a mom who looks forward to their kids being gone at school. I love it when we are all home together, and I am sad when I have to work during the times they have a half day or a school break.  I try to make sure I'm home with them the best I can. So anyway, back to being a worrier.  I have worried about Brady coming home off of his mission for a long time. I can safely say that it's been on my mind especially since he had his year mark last November. The time is going fast and this November will be here before we know it, and he will be coming home after serving a valiant two year mission. So what's the worry right? The worry for me was how am I going  to handle my son coming off of that plane and the emotions I'm going to have, while at the same time having his dad and the woman he had an affair with there as well. Of course his dad should be there and now that he and Maggie got married last month, she would probably be there too. This is a worry for me and I don't want it to be. I need to be able to focus on Brady and my children and not have my emotions shown on my face of how uncomfortable it would be with them there.  That can't be my focus.  I miss Brady so much and having him home will be so incredible, and I don't want anything to ruin that moment. I know that Heavenly Father knows my heart and my worries, and I know that HE prepared a way for me to be able to not worry about this anymore. I know it. This is what happened:

 It was a wonderful General Conference full of incredible messages by the leaders of my church. I was truly touched and felt the Spirit to strongly. That took me into the evening when I read a blog post from my friend Heather in UT. She served as a Stake Event Coordinator for the Herriman Stake for the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Celebration, just as I did in the Daybreak Stake. And just like I, ended up separating from her husband and going through a divorce. I thought it was so strange that this happened to someone else during the same time. And sadly, her husband carried on an affair as well as mine. How could this happen during one of the most amazing times of our lives??? The Temple being the focus. I will never understand, but I have learned SO much since that time. Some of my learning has come from reading her own personal accounts. They are always so positive and so inspiring. I have admired how she's handled her divorce and the relationship that she has with her ex-husband and how everything seems to be so positive with the children, etc...  So this night of March 30th, it was no surprise that I would read another inspiring story. It was titled "Against all odds." It was a story about how last fall she met a girl, who if we knew the story behind it, we would never think they could be friends...ever. She didn't go into detail about their story and what happened, but I was reading between the lines and I felt like this could be the girl who had an affair with her husband.  I could completely understand, if that was the case. I spoke to her a couple of days later about how her story touched me so much and I learned a great many things which I will write here shortly. But as I was reading her story, and crying throughout, I could put myself in her shoes and apply this to my own life, and I thought that maybe someday I could be friends with Brad's wife, and even Brad again for that matter. Because if she could do it, then I could do it, right?  Well, this was what my heart was feeling.

That feeling took me to Sunday and another wonderful General Conference. During the Sunday morning session when Elder Rasband of the Seventy was speaking, my mind was wandering and I was day dreaming or had a vision of "all of us" making a meal and eating together. It was with Brady, and my kids and Brad and his wife Maggie and her two children. "All of us." I began to cry uncontrollably and I couldn't stop for quite some time. The feelings I felt this weekend - this Conference weekend with everything that I read and listened to and prayed for, seemed to take over and I knew that I was being prompted to do "something" but I didn't know what that was. I didn't know what to do with everything that I was feeling.

I felt like I needed to talk with Heather and we did speak until the wee morning hours of April 2nd.  I let her know how her story touched me so much, and I think I was wrong about the girl in her story being the "other woman" because she wrote another blog since that time about meeting the "other woman". I could be wrong, but she never said and she's pretty private that way even though she writes a lot of her feelings on her blog. I told Heather that I've been reading her blog for the past three years and she has helped me so much with her positive and inspiring example of how she's handled her divorce. I wanted to get some advice from her about what I had been feeling. I gave her a snippet into my situation, and I quickly learned that her story that she documents on her blog was "her story" and not that of her ex-husband's, and all that he's done during this process to hurt her, etc... It was SO similar to mine. Her story is how she chose to handle everything and do what's right for her and her children, just like I have, and if I was to write just my side of my growth and how I choose to handle this or that, then my story would look similar to hers.  This is "our life" and not their life, so to document everything that our exes do would not be a good thing. I learned that I have done, and am doing, SO good. I learned that how I describe Heather is also how others describe me. I hadn't known that before. It was such a revelation for me to speak to her after all this time, and to learn from her. We talked about so much with our situations and family and friends. She's so inspiring.

So for the next several days I was trying to figure out what to do with my feelings. Again, I knew I needed to do something, but I didn't know what that was and when it was suppose to happen. I just kept myself open to whatever I was feeling. And then it happened...

On Easter morning I was making a special Easter breakfast for my sweet sleeping children when the thought came to my mind, "Invite Brad, Maggie and her children to Easter dinner." Really?  That's what I am suppose to do, I asked my Heavenly Father. I continued on with the morning of having breakfast with my children as they all stumbled out of bed at different times. My wish for us to all sit down together didn't happen, but when Kasey and Braxley were done eating, I asked them how they felt about me inviting their Dad, Maggie and her kids to Easter dinner. Kasey walked off mumbling something and I asked him to come back so we could talk about this. Kasey said that it was weird and asked, "why would you do that?" I responded by saying that I can understand why he thinks it's weird, but I think it's the right thing to do. He didn't say anything else. Braxley was happy about it. He said that if I wanted to do it then I should. He really was happy and wanted to help set the table and help with anything to prepare for dinner. I told Kolby and I don't really remember any reaction from him, which is so Kolby.  Brinkley was actually still in bed and I knew I would need to spend some time with her help her understand where I was coming from. But before that, I had already sent Brad a text with the invite to Easter dinner.  He responded by asking how Brinkley felt about it. I said, "Not sure. I didn't ask her. It wouldn't be her choice for it... I'm not in the business of keeping people apart just because they don't like it. Brinkley is kind and civil and it can never get better if steps in the right direction aren't made. Believe me, I've made her stay in situations many times in the past and not walk off. But she has the choice, and it's Easter and her family, so hopefully she'll stay if you agree to come. Brad, sometimes not talking about all the stuff and the letters, etc. and just trying to be normal and have light conversation can do wonders over time, at her pace. There's more than Brinkley, so it's good."  Brad responded by asking if they can bring something and what time. So IT WAS ON! I was stuck now! And surprisingly I was okay with it.  I had to go talk with Brinkley and she was upset and was crying, and thought I had gone crazy, but she listened to what I had to say and trusted in my story and my promptings. We would both go forward with Faith and do this good thing today.

Not only was I having Brad, Maggie and her kids in my home for Easter dinner, but they came to our church meetings as well. That was a shocker for me...sort of. Brad will come to our ward when he's visiting the boys, but he had returned them on Saturday night because it was my Easter holiday this year, which would be for the whole weekend, but I didn't keep them all weekend because he took them to the Father and Sons campout on Friday/Saturday. I knew that Brad would be at Church on Sunday for the last 15 minutes of the three hour block because Kasey was being ordained to the Office of Priest, but I didn't think they would all actually come to all three hours of Church meetings. Brad usually sits on the same row with the kids and I when he has visitation with them, but there actually wasn't any room on the row we were on, and I didn't know what his plan was with her being there anyway. They sat somewhere in the back. I never saw them. I left after Sacrament meeting to go put the ham in the oven and I waited for Brinkley who was at another ward to hear a friend give his missionary homecoming talk. We went back to church just before Kasey was to be ordained. I got Braxley from primary and saw that Maggie's kids were also in Primary, so I got them as well.  There we were walking down the hall to the Bishop's office, me, Brinkley, Braxley, and Maggie's two kids, Brenan and Bailee. That was a sight. We entered the Bishop's office and took a seat. Everyone was there waiting, and the Bishop's office was packed with most everyone standing including all of Kasey's leaders and the Priest Quorum and the Bishopric and some friends and family, but not Brad and Maggie. The Bishop asked if anyone had seen Brad and someone had responded with, "he's getting his wife." As I heard that I felt inside, yes, his "wife." It's the first time I had heard that and as Brad and Maggie were coming into the Bishop's office, and only had room to stand at the door, I thought that this really is the first time we have been together. I smiled. She smiled. Her kids sitting next to me. It was fine.

Kasey received a nice setting apart and blessing from one of his leaders, Travis Johnson. Kasey gave me a hug afterwards and proceeded to shake everyone's hands. He then gave his dad a hug and I could see that Brad was trying to get Kasey to hug Maggie. I saw his lips say, "you can do it."  But Kasey did not. Afterwards while in the foyer, it was only Brad, Maggie, her kids, Braxley, Brinkley and I, because there was still about 10 min. of Church left. I said to Maggie, "thank you for coming to support Kasey." Yep! I said it. I then asked Brad if he would mind waiting for Kasey and Kolby and bringing them home so I could go ahead and get the dinner finished. I even asked Maggie's children if they would like to ride with me and come and visit with the bunnies. They were quiet and I told them that I don't bite. :-)

So I went home and got dinner all ready and they arrived and there they were IN. MY. HOUSE.  At first it seemed like something wasn't right when Kasey came in the door because he was upset, and I was worried that they had some sort of talk on the way over to the house, but about what I didn't know. I didn't focus on it. I just welcomed them all in and we proceeded to situate ourselves, all nine of us, around my 54" square kitchen table in the small kitchen that I have. We all did it. We sat down and prayed together and enjoyed a yummy Easter dinner. Conversation was briefly about Brady and then Brad was just talking to Brinkley asking her questions about her life. I did notice that when I spoke I would look right at Maggie and she would look at me. It was fine. Kasey left the dinner table before everyone else and during the rest of the visit he mostly stayed upstairs. I was so wishing I knew what to say to him or to have him share what was in his heart. He just said that it was weird. After dinner I had Kolby hide the plastic eggs that I had filled with Easter candy for Braxley, Brenan and Bailee to hunt. We all watched the kids as they searched for the eggs and we took pictures. Again, I was fine. Then the boys played some basketball and I was glad that Kasey was participating. Brenan wasn't playing basketball and I asked him if he wanted to go inside and play with the bunnies. He liked the bunnies. So then it was just Brenan and I inside the house, until Maggie came in, and then it was just us three. It was fine. No talking, but I was fine. Afterwards everyone came inside and we were just visiting and telling stories, and then it was time for them to leave. They said their goodbyes and I hugged Maggie goodbye and thanked her for coming.  I. HUGGED. MAGGIE.  I embraced her and felt just fine. And I knew that I would probably never get an apology from Brad or Maggie expressing even the slightest of understanding of everything they have done to all our lives, but that's okay. I have accepted that I am not responsible for their choices nor do I need to worry about what they do or don't do. Not anymore... I am so grateful for that!

They stayed for a little more than two hours. I was surprised. I thought they would stay for like an hour or so. But everything flowed really nicely. I felt good. I was myself and was completely genuine. I hope they were comfortable because it was my home, and this was a huge first step for everyone. Looking back, I think I was really carried because I was at peace. I didn't feel nervous at all. I wasn't concerned about what they thought about my home or what I looked like or anything, and I've never had feelings of jealousy concerning Brad and Maggie. Ever. And I was genuinely happy about having them in my home for Easter dinner because it's what Heavenly Father wanted to have happen. We are all connected. How we became connected and everything that's gone on since then is something that I've freed myself from. They are married now and we will always be connected because Brad and I share five children. This was the right thing to do for everyone. And now I know that if Brady came home today...or when he does in November, that I will be okay. I will be able to be okay with Brad and Maggie present as I greet my Missionary son. And maybe, just maybe, this invite to Easter dinner will be the first step to a more positive relationship with Brad and Maggie. My hope is that I will be able to ask Brad if we can trade the Thanksgiving holiday this year so I can have Brady with all of his siblings for the Holiday, or maybe Brad can come here for Thanksgiving. I don't know how the dates will work out with Brady coming home and Thanksgiving, but it would sadden me if Brady left to Utah with Brad and the boys for Thanksgiving, when they will be there for half of Christmas break as well. I know Brady will want to go to Utah to visit his friends, so I'm hoping he can wait and do that at Christmas time. At least I feel now that I'm one step closer in being able to ask and have a conversation with Brad about things such as these.  "The Purpose of the Task is to Strengthen the Relationship." This is my heartfelt goal.  So I was pleased when the next day Brad sent a text that said, "Thank you for yesterday."  That's really great.

Brinkley was, as always, kind and respectful, even after the fact that her dad had written her a nine page letter on the Atonement just a few weeks prior. In that letter Brad told Brinkley that she is a spiritual terrorist and that she has leased a room in the great and spacious building.  She's had a hard time with what he wrote, and she's done nothing to deserve him saying that to her. When we thought he could do no more to hurt her, he still does. She's an amazing girl and she has taken the letter, and her feelings from past to present, to her leaders and they have assured her just how amazing and all right that she is, and unfortunately her dad still continues to make grievous choices. It's good for her to hear how good she is from someone else besides her Mom.

After the dinner, Brinkley was also able to talk to her brothers about how they felt about having Dad, Maggie and her kids over for Easter dinner. This was good because we don't talk about this stuff in our home. Everyone is just quiet about it. The boys haven't said anything about the wedding. All I knew before the wedding when I asked Kasey how he felt about it, he just paused and said, "I guess it's something you have to accept when your parents are divorced." And now after talking to Brinkley he said a similar thing, "I had to get use to Dad and Maggie, and now I have to get use to Dad, Maggie, Mom and Brinkley in the mix." He said it was weird. All three boys opened up and said that Maggie's kids are annoying and that Maggie acts like a teenager. I have learned, and keep learning, that this is something they have had to accept. They didn't choose this. My heart aches for them.

I look at who my children are, and they are thriving. They have through this whole process.  I am so proud of them. I love them and I like them!  And whenever they are away from me visiting their dad here in AZ or in UT, I just think how lucky people are to get to be around my children. We have a good life. We are blessed. WE. ARE. GOOD.  And I have learned that I. AM. STRONG. I take care of my children just like I always have. It's mostly always been on my own, but it's really now on my own, everyday.  Look at what I have been able to do!  Sadly, Brad has missed practically everything. He's been to a couple of scout meetings and campouts, on the sidelines of a graduation, and to Kasey's Ordination on Easter. He's missed everything else. Every single concert that four children have had for three school years so far, every single school dance of his daughters, achievements and the daily awesome life of these fantastic people that are our children.  Look at who they are!  MY. CHILDREN. ARE. STRONG.  I am confident and don't live in fear like I have over the past couple of years. I have done good. And I think I've just now been able to SAY IT OUT LOUD because I didn't have a husband who talked to me about such things, and after all we've been through and dealing with the guilt that all Mom's have of wondering if we are enough, and have we done enough, I can surely say that I AM A GOOD MOM.  I've always known inside that I'm a good Mom. 

I was told by my Bishop last week as he was again complimenting me on my children, and I would always say the same thing like, "they are so great and I'm proud of them for who they are."  And he said, "You always say that, but you need to know that they are great because YOU ARE THEIR MOTHER.  He went on to say that he is just amazed at what I've been able to do with these kids and everything we have gone through. He talked with me about Brad not paying the support payments, but I am able to say that even though Brad owes me over $10,500 in support payments, while he lives off of something but doesn't provide for his children to live on something, I still am only able to feel kindness in my heart. Thank goodness! The Bishop spent a lot of time complimenting me on so many things and I was amazed and touched.  And then he mentioned Easter Sunday and said that he had no idea how I was able to handle being in his office during Kasey's Ordination and having Brad and his wife and kids at church.  He got emotional and just kept saying that he couldn't imagine what I was going through and commended me for my strength. He said he didn’t think he could do it.  As I listened to him I was confused because I was really fine, but I realized that he didn't know the story, so I asked him if he wanted to hear the story. He said yes, and I proceeded to tell him what I have written above...

The miracle weekend of April General Conference, and an Inspiring blog story written by an Angel Friend, which was followed by Promptings from the Spirit, and a Miracle on Easter Sunday. How I am Grateful for that Easter so long ago when our Savior was Resurrected, and for my Miracle this Easter that made our lives a little more united.